10. The reaction times of Old People do NOT diminish as most might expectThey just care much less about running children over in the cross walk. I mean, we all think about it, but only Old People have a built-in excuse. It just happens to be a myth.
9. Old People Slowly Turn Into Albinos
Again, another obvious one. Producing color requires more energy than producing not-color. Just ask The Washington Post. Old people's hair turns white in an effort to save energy. Really, we should take this to heart in our everyday lives, and instead of calling enviro-nuts "green" we should call them "black and white". It doesn't matter if you're black or white (sage words from Michael Jackson), but it does matter that you are none of the other choices.
Again, another obvious one. Producing color requires more energy than producing not-color. Just ask The Washington Post. Old people's hair turns white in an effort to save energy. Really, we should take this to heart in our everyday lives, and instead of calling enviro-nuts "green" we should call them "black and white". It doesn't matter if you're black or white (sage words from Michael Jackson), but it does matter that you are none of the other choices.
8. Elvis thought that getting fat would help him avoid old age
Elvis was notoriously obsessed with food, but most people didn't know it was derived from an obsession with not getting old. Elvis thought that wrinkles actually made you older, not vice-versa, so he thought that by getting fatter and increasing his volume, he would smooth out the wrinkles. And live forever.
7. Old People Have More Sex than Young People
I am just hoping this is true based on how little sex I get. I need something to live for.
6. 12% of Old
People are wearing someone else's denturesApparently they have lots of mixups at church functions with teeth. It's where the saying "shoot them all and let God sort them out" came from, except it used to be "pass out the dentures to everyone and then if that's not right God hates you".
5. Old People can cheat lie detectors
Old people no longer know what is real and what isn't. They have the same physiological response to everything they say because they aren't really sure if what they are saying is a lie or the truth. But they just roll with it. This is very similar to the condition my ex-girlfriend had when she said "I don't want to have anal sex with you". I am pretty sure she did, but the lie detector said she didn't.
4. Nerf Technology was developed by the military for old people
Old people are very fragile, yet it makes more sense to use them in battle situations because it doesn't matter if they die or not. But you still want the battle to last a long time, so they invented Nerf technology for All-Old-People battles so that the Old People gave a good fight and made it worthwhile for the leaders to engage in wars. If the battles are quick, why go to war at all?
3. Jello was also developed for old people by the military
Old People are always complaining about not being able to eat solid food. Especially before combat. So the military invented Jello. Jello isn't really a solid, but the Old People don't know that.
2. All Old People are the same
Actually, I didn't even make this one up. I found it here (see 16): http://www-distance.syr.edu/agefact1.html
1. Old People Can't Shiver
This one is pretty obvious. Shivering requires fast-twitch muscle fiber, and despite the large portions of fiber old people eat to keep them regular, after the age of 60 fast-twitch muscle fiber degrades rapidly. Old people actually develop an instinctive fear of cold places, but unfortunately you can't tell because when they are very afraid they don't shiver. They just move to Florida.
